Yesterday your child still got dressed without any problems – today there are discussions just about brushing teeth, getting dressed, or leaving the playground. Almost every request is met with a firm “No!”
Many parents wonder at this stage: Is this still normal? Why is my child suddenly not listening anymore? And what’s the best way to handle it?
The most important thing to know first: Between about 18 months and 4 years, a stronger desire for independence is part of normal development for many children. This so-called autonomy phase is not a sign of bad parenting, but an important step on the way to becoming independent.
What is the autonomy phase?
In the autonomy phase, your child increasingly discovers that they are a separate person with their own wishes, intentions, and decisions. They want to try out this independence more and more often.
For example, they want to decide for themselves:
- what they wear
- what they eat
- where they go
- what they play with
- what they can do on their own
This creates a typical conflict: The desire to be independent is often already stronger than the ability to control impulses and cope with frustration. This gap between wanting and being able to can mean that pride, joy, anger, and tears sometimes follow one another within just a few minutes.
What is often normal during the autonomy phase
Typical things include, for example:
- saying “no” often
- strong emotional outbursts
- frustration when something doesn’t work right away
- the wish to do as much as possible by themselves
- quick changes of mind
- protesting during transitions, for example when getting dressed or going to bed
- difficulty waiting or sharing
A “no” is not always a real rejection of your request. Sometimes your child mainly wants to be the one who decides. They are practising independence and learning how to deal with their own feelings.
Why are there so many tantrums right now?
The ability to self-regulate develops only gradually. Frustration, disappointment, or anger can therefore quickly overwhelm your child. If tiredness, hunger, lots of stimulation, or time pressure are added, even small things can sometimes trigger a big emotional outburst.
A tantrum is therefore usually not a deliberate power struggle. In that moment, your child is overwhelmed by their feelings and is not yet able to calm down on their own. They need support from the outside – and the reassurance that even strong feelings will pass.
How can you support your child?
You don’t have to prevent tantrums. What matters more is giving your child safety and guidance, and supporting them as they learn to handle their feelings.
Helpful are:
staying as calm as possible yourself
Name the feelings: “I can see that you’re really angry right now.”
Set clear, easy-to-understand boundaries
Offer manageable choices: “Do you want the blue jacket or the red one?”
Allow enough time for transitions
Appreciate their successes when they do things on their own
Children first learn self-regulation with support from their trusted caregivers. This co-regulation helps your child cope with strong feelings and, over time, regulate themselves more and more.
Both things can be true at the same time: Your child is allowed to be angry – but not everything they do in their anger is OK. For example, if they hit, bite, or hurt others, they need a clear boundary.
What helps in everyday life?
Small changes in everyday life can reduce many conflicts. Helpful things include fixed routines, enough sleep, regular meals, and as few unnecessary power struggles as possible.
Think about where a boundary is really needed and where your child can decide for themselves. When it comes to safety and health, clear rules are needed. For less important questions, you can give your child space to make their own decisions.
This way, they experience independence without giving up important boundaries.
When should you take a closer look?
An intense autonomy phase on its own is not a reason to worry. Talk to your pediatrician’s practice if your child:
- consistently has very little contact with other people
- loses language or other skills they had already learned
- can hardly be calmed down over a longer period of time and the emotional outbursts put a big strain on everyday life
- regularly seriously injures themselves or others
- develops very differently than expected in other areas too
Even if the frequent conflicts put a heavy strain on your family over time, a conversation can help you understand the situation and find solutions together.
What your child is learning during this phase
As exhausting as the autonomy phase can be: your child develops important skills during this time. They increasingly learn to:
- make their own decisions
- solve problems
- notice their feelings
- tolerate frustration
- become more independent
This takes time and many small experiences in everyday life. A reliable framework, clear boundaries, and enough room to try things out help your child become more independent step by step.
Support your child’s development
With the tio App, you get age-appropriate information about your child’s development, behavior, and everyday life. You can also easily document important developmental steps and changes and get medically reviewed guidance on typical developmental phases like the autonomy phase.
