Yesterday, your child got dressed without any fuss – today, there's a debate over brushing teeth, getting dressed, or leaving the playground. Almost every request is met with a firm "No!"

Many parents wonder during this phase: Is this still normal? Why is my child suddenly not listening? And how do I best handle it?

Here's the most important reassurance: Between about 18 months and 4 years, this behavior is a normal part of development for many children. The so-called autonomy phase is not a sign of poor upbringing but an important step towards independence.

What is the autonomy phase?

During the autonomy phase, your child discovers that they are their own person with their own desires and decisions.

They want to decide for themselves,

  • what to wear,
  • what to eat,
  • where to go,
  • what to play with,
  • and sometimes just to make their own decisions.

The problem: The desire for independence often develops faster than the ability to control needs or handle frustration. That's why pride, joy, anger, and tears can sometimes alternate within minutes.

What is often normal in the autonomy phase

Many parents suddenly hardly recognize their child. Typical behaviors include:

  • frequently saying "No"
  • strong emotional outbursts
  • frustration when something doesn't work immediately
  • the desire to do everything themselves
  • frequent changes of opinion
  • protest during transitions, like getting dressed or going to bed
  • difficulty sharing or waiting

As exhausting as these situations can be, they usually don't mean your child is disobedient. They are practicing independence and managing their emotions.

Why are there so many tantrums right now?

At this age, the ability to self-regulate is just beginning to develop. Emotions like frustration, disappointment, or anger can quickly become overwhelming.

When tiredness, hunger, or time pressure are added, even small things can cause the situation to escalate.

A tantrum is usually not a conscious power struggle. More often, it shows that your child is currently overwhelmed by their emotions.

How can you support your child?

You don't have to prevent tantrums. It's much more important to provide your child with security and guide them in dealing with their emotions.

Helpful strategies include:

  • staying calm and reacting as calmly as possible

  • naming emotions ("I see that you are very angry right now.")

  • setting clear and understandable boundaries

  • offering manageable choices ("Do you want to wear the blue or the red jacket?")

  • allowing enough time for transitions

  • Appreciate Success in Doing Things Independently

Children learn self-regulation primarily with the help of adults, not by immediately suppressing their feelings.

What Helps in Daily Life?

Small changes can defuse many conflicts.

Often helpful are:

  • set routines in the daily schedule,
  • enough sleep and regular meals,
  • minimizing discussions over minor issues,
  • finding joint solutions instead of power struggles,
  • praise for successful independence.

Not every situation needs to be won. Sometimes it's worthwhile to distinguish between important boundaries and less important decisions.

When Should You Take a Closer Look?

A pronounced autonomy phase alone is not a cause for concern.

Talk to your pediatrician if your child:

  • rarely interacts with others over a long period,
  • loses language or previously acquired skills,
  • is hard to calm down and emotional outbursts significantly disrupt daily life for an extended time,
  • regularly causes significant harm to themselves or others,
  • or if you feel that your child is developing very differently than expected.

If your family is greatly affected by frequent conflicts, a conversation can provide relief and help find solutions together.

What Parents Often Forget

Especially in challenging phases, it's easy to feel like you're doing something wrong.

However, the autonomy phase is one of the most important developmental steps. Your child is now learning to:

  • make their own decisions,
  • solve problems,
  • recognize feelings,
  • endure frustration,
  • and become more independent step by step.

This takes time—and many small experiences in everyday life.

In Summary

If your toddler suddenly says "No" all the time, gets angry more often, or wants to do everything alone, it's often a normal developmental phase. With patience, clear boundaries, and loving guidance, your child will gradually learn to regulate their emotions and become more independent.